Put Your Hands Into The Fire
by cityofmist
Summary: 'She knows that if anyone can become the leader they need, it's Castiel.' After Castiel defies Raphael, Heaven is thrown into confusion; Rachel goes looking for him to ask what he's going to do.


She finds Castiel in the heaven of a man called Leonard Cobb, which takes the form of a park on a sunny day. The grass is brilliant green, the flowers are like bright splashes of paint, the sky is singing blue, and Castiel, clothed in the muted colours of his dark-haired, pale-skinned, light-coated vessel looks washed-out in comparison, and intensely out of place.

He sees her immediately. 'Rachel,' he says, not meeting her eyes. He sounds impossibly tired, but perhaps, Rachel thinks, that is just because of his vessel's weak human voice. 'Why are you here?'

'Everyone heard,' she says. 'What you said to Raphael. It's chaos; nobody knows what to do.' She pauses. '…I don't know what to do.'

'Join the club,' Castiel says bitterly. It's an unfamiliar expression, but she understands.

'You really want to make war on Raphael?'

'He wants to destroy Earth.'

'This is just about Earth? Protecting the humans, nothing else?'

'Have you ever _been _to Earth, Rachel?' Castiel asks, turning to face her.

Rachel gestures at her body. 'To get the vessel.'

'You went to take a vessel, and returned immediately,' Castiel says coolly. 'I worked with the Winchesters on Earth, and then I _lived _there after I left Heaven. I know what Earth's like, Rachel. I know what it is. I know humans, and if _you_ did, you wouldn't say it was "just" about protecting them.' He does a little action with his fingers as he says 'just'. Rachel doesn't know what it means.

'You think they're…' she begins.

'Look at us, Rachel,' Castiel snaps. His voice is deep and angry, and she can hear the faint tones of his real voice humming behind the words. 'Heaven is corrupt. Without God we all followed Michael, and now without Michael Raphael's trying to take control. It's a tyranny. And yet all it took was for me to defy Raphael for the whole thing to become "chaos", as you put it. Nobody understands freedom, nobody understands choice. We get…Someone says _one _thing, and suddenly we don't have _any_ idea what to do. We're like _children_. We think we're so much better than the humans because we're powerful, but we're nothing compared to them. We've got all of their bad points and none of the good. So _yes_, Rachel, they are worth protecting.'

Rachel blinks. 'You really think that?'

Castiel looks away, staring at the bright grass. 'You don't understand,' he mutters. 'Nobody understands.'

'Then help me understand,' Rachel says, taking a step closer. 'Please, Castiel.'

He still doesn't look at her. 'If you don't already understand why it's a bad thing to kill seven billion people, I don't think I can explain it,' he says quietly.

'There are angels willing to follow you,' Rachel points out. 'Without Michael…Raphael's not as powerful. Or as popular. You could build up an army, if you chose to.'

'I could do lots of things, if I chose to,' Castiel says bitterly. 'I don't know _what _to do.'

Rachel blinks, but presses on: 'Our Father brought you back, Castiel; maybe this is why. Maybe he wants you to stop Raphael.'

'You don't know what our Father wants,' Castiel says, with a surprising decrease in the acrimony of his tone; he sounds…lost. Rachel can understand that, at least. She has never been decisive or independent, and she only ever wanted to follow her Father's wishes. When she heard - and _everyone_ heard; Castiel's voice echoed defiantly through all the angels, stopped Heaven in its tracks - her first thought was that she would defer to Raphael as a loyal soldier should, but something stopped her; a deep-down part of her did not want to follow Raphael on his arrogant, destructive path. So she came looking for the other option.

_What does God want?_ she asked him, when he first returned, smiling and triumphant. He seemed so certain when he told them, but what he said wasn't really an answer at all. Now she understands that Castiel knows no more than any of them do. He's powerful, now; he had the power to at least temporarily take out Raphael, somehow; but he's flying as blind as she is.

'I know what you're thinking,' Castiel says despondently. 'I thought I knew what He wanted for us. I thought I could…not lead, but show you the way. I wish I'd never…'

'You have to lead us,' Rachel says simply. 'That's what we _need_.' She knew Castiel before he left Heaven and returned exultant. When he was a soldier he was always adaptable; it was why he was chosen to be Heaven's liaison with the Winchesters (in retrospect, perhaps they should have sent someone more unyielding). Whatever was needed from him, he would get on with the job with quiet acceptance. She's seen him alter himself, change to fill whatever position he has to. She knows that if anyone can become the leader they need, it's Castiel.

'What would you do?' he asks her suddenly. 'If you were in my position, how far would you be prepared to go?'

'What?' _I don't understand,_ Rachel thinks, again. Nothing makes sense to her any more. Is this what her life will be like now? Oh, for the days of simple orders and clear goals. 'I would…I think you should do this, Castiel, you should stop Raphael. I'll help you, however I can.'

'There are so many people,' Castiel says quietly. 'So many people Raphael would kill. I want to save them, but if I…What if I do something wrong? I'm trying to do the right thing, but what if I do something…something worse?'

Rachel understands this, at least. She remembers the last time Heaven was beset by war, but…

She touches his shoulder; she can feel the heat of his vessel's skin through his coat and suit. He looks at her, meets her eyes for the first time. His are wide and uncertain, and his human face is lined with a fear that surprises her. 'If you have to save them,' she says with as much conviction as she can muster, 'you have to do this.'

'That's what you really think?'

'What do you…Yes. Of course.'

Castiel turns to look around at the park, the lines of trees, the carpet of grass. Rachel has seen him before in many similar heavens. He likes parks: places of nature, but nature that has been cut and shaped by humans into the form they prefer; perhaps that is telling. He exhales deeply, and then says, 'How many angels are willing to follow me? Compared to Raphael?'

'He has a majority,' Rachel says. 'I don't know exactly how many would take your side…there's still so much turmoil, nobody really knows what's going to happen…maybe a third are willing to join you.'

'A third,' Castiel says.

'We'll be outnumbered two to one,' Rachel says uncertainly.

Something sets in his face and he says, 'Yes. I have a plan. We can still beat Raphael.'

'What is it?'

He shakes his head. 'I need you to gather together anyone you think will join me against Raphael. Not here, find another heaven, somewhere Raphael won't be able to find you easily. I need to go to Earth again. I'll be back as soon as I can, and we can start…strategising…but there's someone I need to talk to.'

'The Winchesters?' Rachel asks.

'No,' Castiel says, and hesitates.

'Then who is it?'

'Someone else,' Castiel says quietly, and then he is gone.


End file.
